school really gets in the way of my education. how does writing papers where we're given the thesis advance our intellectual capacity, enrich our lives or just really teach us anything about anything. history is just an overrated major but an underrated subject.

but even outside of history classes, school is just getting in the way in too many ways. the hierarchical relationship between prof and student, the suffocating reading that really doesnt say anything different, and the sheer volume of tasks makes the whole institution not so condusive to learning.

a stack of books, a notebook, and a pen are by far my preferred methods of education, add a rail pass or some other method of transport and life would be perfect. and im not really complaining (although it sounds that way) because fortunately i have no real academic aspirations. school has given me a foundation and now in my free time for the next whatever years of my life i can continue, actually really start, my education without the confines of academia.

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not really considering my future career as important is a really freeing but scary thing. it liberates me from a lot of the crap and feelings of inadequacy that american culture creates with grades, titles, tax brackets. it allows me to pursue things that i wouldnt normally be willing to do because of money/prestige (teaching namely). and i dont have to think in terms of impressing the people who give out grades/titles/money which is really relaxing. BUT it leaves me with no path at all. because in theory i could wander from one low skill job to another and still be happy and practically that's not true. i want a rewarding job, i need a job that pays just so i can live reasonably, and in some ways i want prestige too. so really i'm lost. at least this way in 10 months i can really start reading and learning which is exciting.

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i havent really blogged like this in a long time. i know i wrote a lot of things that would make me cringe if i reread it. i hate rereading myself, anything. its a painful proposition. so im not going to, just like i never do.

it's weird. i dont even really like going over my own photos. its too difficult for me for some reason. too much effort and experience, too much emotion and thought was there in the moment. in some ways im ashamed of myself for being so entrenched in these feelings and thoughts (the one's captured in posts like this and journal entries and photos), so going over them just creates self-loathing. but i think the big thing is that reading my own writing (in any form) or seeing my own photos reminds me of how cliche, how trite, how tragic i really am. how i pretend to be cultured with all these little references. how i look and fail to find fresh angles on something. how my self expression is just as self-actualized, self-critical, and falsely self-aggrandizing as the rest. there's nothing wrong with that. in lots of ways i just want to be like everybody else. but the realization that i am is depressing in the moment. i'm "college" just like everybody else. soon i'll be "mid-20s" like everybody else, then 30 somethings, then middle aged, then retirement, then elderly, then dead. a scary but comforting reality, i think.