I need to start doing cocaine, maybe not cocaine, but definitely some sort of hard drug. LSD would be fantastic; it'd bring me closer to the dark side of the moon then I've ever gone. Marijuana blows, I'm not even considering it. Supposedly Hunter Thompson did a line of coke every morning just as he was getting out of bed. He was also a genius, and he also killed himself. And he did it almost exactly like Hemmingway did.

[Disclaimer: Please don't think I'm suicidal. I'm metaphorically serious about the drug thing, but the second half is just random thoughts floating around my head.]

If I am confident about at least one thing. I am confident that I know any possible flaw any person recognizes in me. I bet I could guess the first flaw that you thought of when you read that sentence. I don't know why I'm using the word 'flaw,' it doesn't apply to well. I'm thinking more of a quality/trait/behavior of mine that people would mention to other people, and do so in a mocking/contemtuous/disdainful/loathsome/jugmental tone. Basically, I have a decent grasp of what 'crap' people would say 'behind my back' (I really hate that phrase). Anyway, I have a great grasp on all my 'flaws.' I think it's the thing I'm best at, what a sad thought. So yeah, I'm confident there is no way you have thought of something that I haven't thought of, and take some sick pleasure in that.

There really was no point to that whole lecture on how well I know my blemishes. Whatever. When I'm called on the blemishes that I'm most sensitive about I have a reallllly hard time handling it. I need to grow some fucking skin. It's getting ridiculous. One of the things I'm touchy about is the whole juco thing and transfer thing and not-going-to-any-real-school thing, so if I don't get over that next year could REALLY SUCK if I'm constantly paranoid about being 'found out.' FUCK.

God dammit. Don't you want to stop reading this and just drive to the mountains or desert? Winter or not I just want to leave. On Countdown today Oberman was recanting 'Bloody Sunday' and a little civil rights history, and it really inspired me to leave. There really isn't anything to be gained in contemporary America, nothing to be lost either. I mean what cause out there has any of the weight that civil rights did. Obviously civil rights is still a big issue. The southern poverty law center has infinitely more cases than it did 40 yrs ago, but now it's different. It's like we're permanently engaged in a warring peace or peaceful war or some other Orewellian buzzword. Even the idea of changing something is gone. Green Peace and the Sierra Club (though the sc is barely staying together) work for such minute victories, and they only have massive losses. Even when there is a liberal in office there is no movement left on the enviroment. Women's rights is stagnant. Gay's rights are moving backwards. Africa is dying from the inside. I just see no issue that's worth fighting for that's also useful to fight for. Maybe people thought the same thing in 1950. I'm sure America seemed static to everyone who wanted progress in 1950, but for some reason I feel like our stasis is really, really entrenched right now. Entrenched statis I say. Oh whatever, it's not like I'd fight for anything anyway. If there was something worthy of commiting even a moment of my life to I'd probably still sit at my desk whining about my flaws and how shitty it is sometimes people have the gull to point them out. I don't want to be sensitive. I'm not really sensitive at all. It's just, for some reason, everything that makes me so insensitive for 23.5 hours a day is stripped away when I post. I really am a jackass, an insensitive jackass. If I didn't get such a high of saying I'm the 'nice guy' I definitely would have tricked many girls into having sex with me by now. Fuck the blog, and I need some sort of patch for my pseudo-nice-guy high. I'm out.