Why am I always the person that's being left behind and never the person leaving????

I left once. I went to UIowa. But my entire time in Iowa I was obsessed with what I left. I was rabid with my correspondences. Rabid I say. Why? Hell if I know. I think I was obsessed with what could of been if I had stayed home. The prospects of being in San Diego and the prospects of remaking my life in San Diego seemed too alluring. It was all very 'go west young man' sorta thing.

OF COURSE, in retrospect, THAT WAS A MASSIVE MISTAKE. Tomorrow I may think differently, but maybe not. At Iowa I had a life. I had good grades, good standing, some really loyal friends, and PROSPECTS (not necessarily the female variety, I'm speaking of prospects for life as a whole). I could of found a cheap apartment for Rupert and I. I could have gotten into some cool programs. I could of studied abroad easily. I could of found myself a nice, beautiful and smart young midwestern woman. I could of gone to pretty much ANY grad school ANYWHERE for ANYTHING I wanted. I would of graduated highly. I would of had a nice little internship in Chicago. I would have a nice core of friends, maybe a girlfriend. I could of moved back to San Diego, moved to Chicago, New York, moved to where-THEFUCK-ever I wanted. And I could of done what-THEFUCK-ever I wanted to do. I can just picture it. The image is so tantalizing--what could have been.

WHY THE FUCK DID I MOVE BACK????? Money, yeah. But the money would have been negligible. The weather, yeah. But that isn't that big of an issue; I love all weather. The school, yeah a lot of the school sucked and parts of my social life did too. But is all that really worth risking that little image of what Iowa for me? ...nope.

So what did I get in return for what I gave up: (good things) some good friendships that would have been lost, surfing (of course), some money, a UC(probably SD) education; (bad things) living at home, lost a lot more friendships than I gained, forced back into my family dramas, absolutely NO social life of any kind, NO female prospects, A LOT fewer career/life prospects.

As you can see I lost considerably more than I gained. At this very moment my head is reeling with how shitty my life is. I know I'm neglecting all the awesome and beautiful things too. But, ya know, it's one of those days, one of those days when you hate your life so much you just want to shout until you can't shout anymore.

In the future whenever there is a decision between two locations, between two possibilities, I am ALWAYS going to follow the more novel possibility. I really hate my past. I think the theme of my childhood was disappointment (for no other reason than I sucked at keeping friends). And I see no other reason to maintain the past in the future. I will always take the road less traveled. There is no down side. Even if I screw up there will be no one around to complain. Running away is always better than trying to adjust to the unadjustable (yeah I don't think it's a word either).




Why can't I be a positive person?