I am so freaking normal. I will flounder. I will enter the job market or grad school application cycle as a pretty undesirable applicant.

Matthew in 4 points:
Average white guy.
Will try slightly more than the mean.
Will know slightly more than the mean.
Will have significantly less potential than a majority of applicants.

I don't care to explain the first three. The final one though is significant I guess (at least for me and this is my blog so I’m going to continue a bit about the 4th point and if that’s upsetting to you please hit “next blog” up there in the corner). Anyway I think I have less potential than most applicants because I'm pretty near my full potential. I don't mean that in a self aggrandizing way. I'm pretty near to where I want to be, maybe I could be better, but I don't really care to be better. I am in the process of meeting my expectations for myself. I'm slightly behind where I thought I could be, but I'm still pleased with everything.*

So, where's the problem? Well just because I'm pleased with myself doesn't mean that my application/resume will reflect what I consider pretty decent progress as a person. Using arbitrary delineators (grades, test scores, quality of major, awards, activities) in relative terms: I'm pathetic (nope; too harsh, I'm average. We’ll stick with that). I've plateaued at this level intelligence and grade-wise and nothing much is going to change that. My application will reflect that. I'll come off as an average white guy with average stats in a super-weak major from the soft clutches of southern California. I have no real worldliness to support this all-encompassing perspective I claim to have. My curiosity to the nature of the universe (lpoh, ladder theory dynamics, free will theory, blahblabhblah) is just crap that will distract me from whatever job or program I want to be accepted to.

Other applicants will have some sort of ascending gpa (ascending from where mine is now off into the stratosphere (where all you people are)). Other applicants' writing will be clean and fresh and won't be nearly as self-righteous as mine. (Jesus even I am getting tired of my 'voice' as a writer.) They won't cover up their poor syntax and style with bloated, over-hyped diction. They won't need to because they'll actually write well. They won’t spout out random facts or pretend to know everything. The other applicants will be really damn intelligent and won't resort to my gimmicks that I use to cover-up my mild retardation. They'll have these skills: real intelligence, simple but strong writing, and, most importantly, the "recognition" to prove all that.

As I lack all those skills, at least in the quantity and quality of others, I'll be tossed to the bottom of the pile.

The problem with all this is that I've done near my best. I'm sure I could be better, I could try harder, I could study more earlier in the term, I could devote myself more to French, I could be my 'best self.' But, for whatever reason, I don't think even my best self would cut it. I think I'm pretty close to my best self and I know I'm miles away from the top tier applicants. BUT WAY MORE IMPORTANTLY, I have no interest in my best self. (I hate that I'm stealing this concept but whatever it was going to happen eventually). I'm pleased that I spend hours researching and listening to music, I love watching sports and the news and whatever else. The time I spend not becoming my best self is well spend damn well. Yeah I'd definitely like to read more and try harder in French and maybe learn to better writer. The fact is that my 'true self' just ain't that great relatively speaking. I'll have to live the consequence of that little truth for the rest of my life. Upsetting but also beyond my control.


*In reference to earlier asterisk: I AM NOT SATISFIED WITH MYSELF. If you read this assuming I'm satisfied with who I am then I made a mistake. I should have hit the 'pleased with my progress' thing several fewer times. Anyway, to clarify I am only satisfied with my progress towards the goal of who I'd like to become. Please do not interpret that as I'm satisfied with life and ready to die. NO. Everyday I wake up and I want to get a little bit better, I want to know a little more, broaden my perspective as far as possible each day of my entirely forgettable existence. I am no where near who I want to be.

Further note, my progress thus far is way behind in certain areas (fitness, surfing ability, romance *cough*), so I'm 'behind' in many respects. But overall I think I'm doing ok.