I REALLY HATE reading anything I have written, particularly posts. It is very difficult to like writing when I get this ringing in my ears whenever I read my posts out loud. I wish I were kidding about the ringing in my ear, but I am, most definitely, not kidding. And it's not just when I hear what I've written. Basically any time I even think about anything I have done, felt, thought, wanted I get the ringing in my ears. I guess I don't like many aspects of who I am. What a shitty deal that is. But whatever. I try to get past it. I know fundamentally I'm a good person. No better or worse than anyone else. But as far as the some details go, I really dislike myself.

I should really get over that. It's probably not helping me in the confidence arena. But its really hard for me to care at this point. Even if I were 'confident' (which is impossible given that you can't just make yourself be more confident) nothing would change. Yes, I know my 'outlook' would change. Yes I know that if I'm happy with myself I'll be happy with my life. My response to that, "blahblahblahblahblah."

I suppose this is what it comes down to: I am oddly content with being unhappy with some things in my life, and I'm content being unhappy with some details about myself. I figure that at 18 it doesn't really matter how happy I am with my life. I think I'm well on my way to happiness in a matter of months. Furthermore, not being happy right now is motivating me to improve my life down the line. I know some will say that you should just enjoy the journey of life...and I agree with that horrible metaphor to a point. However, I feel that at this point in my 'journey' *stifles laugh* I'm sorta stuck. My bus has broken down or something for you metaphor wackos. So I'm just taking a break from happiness while I try my best to ensure happiness in life and confidence in myself later in life.