I need to stop vomiting all my emotions, thoughts and ideas onto this blog. I write things on here and they exist outside myself and that gives me some sort of comfort. But that is so very unhealthy. I need a better outlet. Correction: I need something far greater than an outlet. I shouldn't pent anything up, well I shouldn't pent everything up. There is so much angst in such a regular-sized young man, and it's rather overwhelming at times. I need to fix this.

When I first come into people's lives I come off rather bland, rather 'typical white guy', rather uremarkable (note: I'm not remarkable by any stretch. It's just the I'm unremarkable in a much different way than people first think). People have no clue about the madness that's swimming inside my head while I speak to them. They know nothing about me, except for surfing and other random things. I want that to stop. I want someone to meet me and think 'hey he's a little insane, that's cool'! I have no idea how I'm going to pull this off. But the first step has got to be showing emotion. I'm so bloodless 99.9% of the time. I have probably known you for a year or more and I doubt you can think of an example when I was REALLY happy or REALLY sad. My internalization of EVERY DAMN THOUGHT OR EMOTION THAT MIGHT MAKE SOMEONE UNCOMFORTABLE NEEDS TO STOP!!!! Fuck people. If they're uncomfortable they deserve to be uncomfortable. I'm not going to be rude, but I'm not going to be this gray, emotionless guy anymore. I am rejecting the cold comfort of the middle and embracing passionate extremes.

This is mostly bullshit, and I know you know it. Fact is that I'm rather gray on the outside. I don't like the idea of revealing too much about myself to someone I don't know. I feel very uncomfortable with making others uncomfortable. I have as many opinions as the next guy but I don't see why the next guy should know what my opinions are. That being said, I think I could definitely ease up a bit. I need to shift as much as possible. It may be bending my disposition, but dispositions need to be bent sometimes. I still haven't figured it out yet, but I will.

"Hi."
"hi."
"So how are you?"
"I'm ____. How are you?"
"I'm ____. Sorry about not calling you."
"(To be determined)"
goodbye