Why is it that my fridays and saturdays consistently suck? You may have noted that the most recent 'oh my god my mind is exploding in bursts of depression and hatred and angst and howls at the moon' post was on a saturday morning. Yeah saturdays seem to suck especially. Probably because the week brings hope for the weekend. Even friday, which sucks too, still has plenty of hope for saturday. But saturday is realiably disappointing without any redeeming qualities. It shares this quality with all people and local news. Dammit. I have got to realize that blogging pain won't bring relief. It may temporarily push out thoughts, but they come back quickly.

I need to stop having these quasi-revelations and then not following through on them. I've had like four actual insights to my life, ever. But I've had each one of those thousands of times, thousands. I've got this very predictable cycle of my emotions and thoughts. You see I do have a neutral state. It lasts about a minute. Then I slowly start dissecting everything. This leads to angst. That angst creates more dissecting, more angst results. Eventually this explodes into some sort of 'oh my god the world is ending im a horrible person i hate life everyone hates me i hate them back blahblahblah there is hope this is what i should do' moment. This brings me back to neutral. We begin the party all over again--it's a blast.

Why doesn't the cycle stop? I am very aware of who I am and where I fall into the vast hell whole of humanity. I am keenly aware of everything that's wrong with me. So why can't I just fix what's wrong with me? Or, preferably, why can't I just accept who I am and just lose anyone who can't deal with who I am? Well it probably has something to do with my hard-core superiority/inferiority complex and various other psychotic issues. But what can I fix? Nothing. I can't change the way I think. I can't change who I am, who others are, or what others think of me. I'm probably always going to be bothered if someone thinks of me poorly. I've tried. I've failed. I think I just have to let these emotional waves wash over me and try to catch a breath when I can. I have hope that eventually this 'rut' will end. But I have no reason to think that, it's more of a faith thing.

But you see what I just created, depression>>revelation>>hope for future. I hate that cycle. It needs to stop it. I need to stop it. I need to stop it. I love weekdays. Oh just in case you'd like to know. When I dig myself out of this cycle that is when a new segment of my life will begin. When I don't constantly think 'Am I annoying them? What is wrong with me? Why do people hate me? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me (read as: by 'be' I mean 'sex')? Why don't people love me?', that is when I will be who I want to be. The catch(22) is that if I simply allowed myself to think I am already the man,person,oldboy,youngman I want to be, then I would be the man I want to be. It's tricky. That was really awkward. I'm going to go musicing.