I don't think I'll ever get a paycheck that satifies me. I much prefer just having the idea of receiving a paycheck sometime in the future, its amount being more of an idea and not a concrete number. Whenever I actually get my check it just inspires a number of bad things, worst all is the depression. First I have to deal with someone because, 1) my january paycheck is short about $30, 2) I never received a december check. And even if I resolve all that, I'm guessing I'll get ripped off with both of the above issues, I'll still have this horrible feeling of working way more than my paycheck demonstrates. I HAAAAAAAAAAAATE the feeling of working so hard for so little pay. I HATE feeling poor. I HATE knowing that my life may always be like this. And, as much as I want to forgive everyone for things beyond their control, I HATE people who don't have to try to get infinite amounts of money.

I just want a nice little life where I can control my financial future. I don't want to depend on social security, good luck, and definitely not my children or relatives. If I really want something I want to be able to buy it with only minimal guilt. If I need something I want to be able to buy it without thinking. I don't need a Mercedes, a Definitive Technology System, or any sort of curious consumption. I just want a decent music collection, decent book collection, and a 'useful' house, car, surfboard, and fishing set-up. I'll concede that there are thousands of other little things I'd like to have, but nothing that I'd die without. Financial independence is all I want from my monetary pursuits. But for some reason I don't picture it happening.

I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE this feeling.