I am so fucking frustrated!!!!!

I had a great chance to get a lot of free money. The duration of my college career could have been very inexpensive if I had managed to put together a decent video. But unfortunately I will be bathing in debt for the rest of my life as my video sucks. I WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME THE SCHOLARSHIP!!!!! I really have dedicated the last week of my life to this thing. I'm sure I could have given more time to it and done a better job, but I only have so much time. And I reached a point of frustration with the whole process where I couldn't really produce anything better. I guess I'm most disappointed that I tried my best and I know that my best isn't good enough. I'm also pissed about: 1)my MASSIVE debt, 2)inability to get the classes I want and need, 3)bathing in the quasi-failure of transfer-student status, 4)giving me a WHOLE NEW thing that makes me feel like a complete fucking FAILURE, 5)putting a huge dent into my ability to get into a good grad school.

Spring break, this video, school, the rain, it's all just sucked the happiness right out of me.


I put so much of myself into everything I do, this video, this damn blog, every class, almost every assignment, EVERY relationship, EVERY decision I EVER make. I put so much effort and emotion and thought into everything. I don't really know why I'm writing of this except that this is my fucking blog and I can write whatever the fuck I please. Maybe I'm writing all this because I don't feel like I get enough back for all my thoooouuugggghtttt. Being alive and living in San Diego are probably more than enough, but complaining is cathartic.