I didn't realize this was necessary but apparently I need to 'prove' that I am a man, or at least that I will become one with any sort of surgery. There have been several accusations passed my way (some strangely serious, others not) that I am a woman, emasulate, gay or--in some severe way--effeminate. The first few of these comments were easy to brush off, but now it is becoming epedemic. I need to purge my thoughts right now so I can have some sort of Doctrine of Personal Masculinity for future outbreaks of these accusations.

The nature of my so-called 'womaness' is really disturbing to me. These accusations have been coming from close friends and people who know me very well. They don't refer to me as effeminate in the typical sense. That is to say, no one has been saying I'm a woman in the same sense they would with Rufus Wainright or some guy with a high voice. I infer that my accusers claim I have womanly emotions/thoughts/frustrations/angst/I-dont-know-what-else-but-theres-probably-something-else-that-these-fucks-consider-effeminate-about-me-that-I-can't-think-of. So I'm guessing that I'm not a physical or sexual girly-man, it's that my something about me mentally or emotionally is ridiculously feminine to my accusers. I'll get back to this but first allow me to rant a bit.

If what I do, think and feel is too fucking womanly for you what exactly would you consider manly??? Would I be more of a man if I went out every night and staggered around mumbling Jet lyrics, smelling of cheap booze and cheaper women? If I constantly pointed out every girl with a nice ass or big tits would I then be a man? Am I not manly because I don't openly refer to my dick as a person or talk about how long it is? Do real men ignore you and treat you horribly because its fun and ultimately gets them what they want, which is, by the way, to fuck you, not to love you? Would you prefer I be the guy at the party who is talking to every girl so that some girl will give me a chance to rape her? Would I be a real man if my only emotional outlet was when I beat my wife and childern until they can't scream anymore? So, again, what is it that would make me an actual man for you? Back to the issue at hand.

I suppose if these people are accusing me of being emotionally-aware then I can't deny their claim. There is no doubt that I think about everything, and 'everything' just so happens to encompass all feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas and, most of all, angst. But I don't at all see this as a effeminate quality. It is true that more women are cognizant of their emotions. It is also true that more men drive then do women. Does that mean that it is manly for a woman to drive? Of couse not. And I must say shouldn't it be seen as a strength, or at least an improvement, that I'm not just some ignorant fool whose emotions only extend to his favorite porn star and sports team (by the way, I have strong emotions about both those things, but also many others). I'll be the first to admit that I take this thinking thing to an unnatural, unhealthy extreme. But how the fuck does that make me feminine?

Here's the deal. I LOVE women, sports, surfing, fishing, cars, good heavy rock, Esquire magazine, and even good alcohol too. BUT I also happen have a certain meta-awareness. My masculinity is not at all affected by this. There is nothing particularly masculine about drinking Busch and reading Maxim, I can do that too. But because I don't do that doesn't mean I'm a woman. The only critique I have about my masculinity is that I get frustrated too easily and that perhaps I expose too much of the aforementioned meta-awareness. But I'm working on both of those, and by no means do my shortcomings with those issues mean I'm womanly. I've read as much Hemingway as you have and though I'm by no means Robert Jordan I do try my best. I'm not saying I follow the Hemingway code, but I come a lot closer than most guys do who drink Busch beer and 'read' Maxim. And if I were ever in one of those Hemingway-situations I know I'd perform to par with Robert Jordan or Frederic Henry. I've got some serious issues with myself but I am graceful under pressure and definitely not cowardly. I don't see myself as some beacon of honor or heroism, but I do my best to be a stand-up guy. So there's my mini-thesis on that.