How am I going to pay for my degree? $40,000 is a lot of fucking money. I once held out hope that someone would eventually offer to pay some of the debt, but now I've given up all hope. It's not that I don't think anyone will offer (though I don't), it's bigger than that. At this point the only reason they would give me money is because I guilted them into it, and I'm too proud for guilt money. Guilt money is almost as bad as blood money, so yeah I can't take any of that shit.

I know everyone says "Oh debt isn't that bad, especially school loans." Well I get that it doesn't seem that bad, but it really is. When I sit down and do the math I get very scared. Interest, even at 2.5%, can get scary. I know in absolute terms debt doesn't preclude me from anything (just like being a transfer--HA!). But, in application, debt does preclude me from certain things. If I'm lucky enough to get into the Peace Corps I'll return to US at 23-24 with a history degree and 40k in debt. At that point, my credit score will be trashed. Eventhough the pc has loan defferals for certain loans the majority of my loans will be racking up interest during my time abroad. So that god awful credit score bumps up any of my future loans up a few points, closer to 5%.

Why more loans? It is a decent question. I mean isn't 40k in debt enough for a kid whose resume isn't marketable at all? Yes it is, but I've realized that, being a history major, the only way I can make money is to go to professional school. This isn't entirely true, but of all the possibilities (and yes I've considered them all) law seems like the only reasonable next step. If you have any other suggestions please comment below. Anyway, an elite law school (which is almost a prerequisite for success) would cost $120,000-$180,000. All of this would have to be put into loans. Of course I could go to a decent school at lower tuition, but doing that can be a bad idea. But I'll be conservative and assume that ls will cost $100,000. 100k + 40k = 140k. I will be 27, 28 with a law degree and I'll be the proud debtor of 140k. (I'll also be entering the job market right in the middle of the next cyclical decline, but that's just conjecture.)

I guess this is all fucking conjecture. I'm definitely exaggerating certain things, and I'm omitting others. Nonetheless I will have a lot of debt and to pay it off I will have to work a lot. Most of my twenties and thirties will be consumed by work just to break even. I will have to work long hours, and I'm not a fan of long hours. Even if I enjoy my work there are just so many wonderful things to do outside of work. Being confined to one thing--work--makes me hate life. Life, anything and everything that's not work, is too fucking fantastic to work excessively. (This is only true for westerners I guess). I want to travel and read and hike and surf and travel and fish and skydive and read. I don't want to work, but I have to. This is so whiney.
***
All of today's whining started at work. I went to my co-workers house under some odd circumstances, but that doesn't matter. Anyway, his house was MASSIVE, and it was filled was cool and very expensive toys. While I was trying to add up how much all this cost Rey, the co-worker, kept talking about how "RICH" various people were (e.g. our boss and the investor that owned sold him his house). He was speaking of himself as if he was everyman--just a modest man of modest means. It pained him that he wasn't "RICH", he was just an everyman.

You and I have known that wealth is relative, and I've made this little revelation many times, but it's importance needs repeating. I sit here complaining despite being a well-fed San Diegan. I complain about debts from a ug degree that some would die for. But I can't stand that I have to pay for the degree--I'm retarded and selfish. I'm pained because my house will never be as big or nice as Rey's, and even if I reach Rey's wealth (not going to happen) I'll still want more, just like he does. --I'm retarded and selfish.

I need to leave for the third world as soon as possible.