In case you don't know, the Chargers lost. I have no thoughts of this that can be put into actual words. Most everything right now is a series of high-pitched yelps that can only be heard by dogs. And I think I may have just started an ulcer.

Everyone has called the 2004-5 Chargers' season a 'moral' victory. I'm not quite sure that means, but I know it's a fucking horrible term. Only a loser would say they 'won' in a 'moral' sense. But moral victories have definitely been the theme of my 2004. I always seemed to come in second place in poker tournaments--moral victory. I got my first b in college, but it came in calc2, so yet another moral victory. There was a brief point in time when I was at the height of my existence, running, surfing, reading, opening to new music, working, studying all on a nearly-daily basis; however, this time period lasted a mere 8 weeks--moral victory #3. I have a more refined taste thanks to my female influences, but it has not led me to 'the holy land' as promised--more moral victory. Finally the biggest moral victory of them all.

For pretty much the first time in my 19 years, I put myself out there. I made myself entirely vunerable to a woman when I had no idea how she would respond. I conquered, perhaps for only a moment, my tremendous insecurity. And in that same moment I shed this superiority thing that I also have going. For the previous decade I had been constant wavering between either an over-powering superiority complex or a debiltating inferiority complex. And for this magical instant I busted out of it. I was free of these complexes I had forced myself into. It was most definitely a beautiful and liberating moment. But it was all for nought--I failed. My attempts at letting someone join me in my new found sense of self were denied. I had succeed in getting over myself, both my inferiority and superiority, but I failed miserably at achieving the ultimate goal--the final, and the saddest, moral victory.

I offer this one reprieve to 2004--the year of moral victory and absolute defeat. If a year can be so utterly dominated by this theme of moral victory than it is entirely possible 2005 will be utterly dominated by absolute victory. Sure, the theme could easily be absolute defeat too, but we're going to ignore that. 2004 was not alone in being pockmarked by painful moral victories. It has been a theme for several years, and I think its about time for some change. So I have no concrete resolutions for 2005, and i do realize it's late to start any, but I'm moving that 2005 will feature several absolute victories for you, you're loved ones, pretty much any person you like, and, hey, I'd like an absolute victory too.