I'm going to be here too.

I'll be here in a week.

It's been a while since I've really posted. I've been busy I guess, except not really. I think I've stopped posting real posts because I've lost that angst that drove me to post several thousand words a week last year. I kinda miss that angst. I felt more alive then. I had all this emotion and frustration and I had tools to vent it. I defined myself a lot more then, now I am defined by my environment and now I've got this sorta malaise all quarter...clarification:

In San Diego I could hop in my car at any moment and drive to the beach, or balboa, or the library. I had all this energy all the time, and even though I had WAAY less free time then I have now I would use what time I did have much better. The fact that I was working a dead-end job and going to a shitty school didn't define my at all. I was a "surfer," reader, runner, blogger, explorer of the world (at least of san diego). I wasn't necessarily good at any of those things, but that doesn't matter. The point is that I defined myself outside school/work/how I spent the majority of my day. Now I'm just a college student.

I love school, and, in most ways, I'm happier here. I infinitely more challenged, so challenged that I've decided I'm about a 60%tile+/-. Socializing is way more enjoyable here, because I sorta have a social life compared to nothing much in San Diego. Not living at home is equally great. But despite all the 'freedom' that gives I still feel trapped, way more than I ever did last year. I have my car so I could take off at any moment, but that isn't a real possibility. I mean I actually have to study most of the day. Los Angeles makes taking off for a few hours a very long adventure with about 2 hours of driving to get 15 miles. But I don't know if that explains anything. Maybe this fucking malaise is because I've entirely adjusted my expectations for life--downward.

One of my most important philosophies is that no one person is more important/significant/different/special than any other person, but I had never internalized that idea. Now I know that I'm definitely no 'better' than anyone else. I'm ridiculously average and there's some bitterness associated with that, maybe. And, maybe, that manifests that in this malaise that I've attributed to feeling trapped...

So there's this bitterness of realizing I'm rather normal (not particularly smart, attractive, witty, anything) which I had already known. There's also the idea of feeling trapped because I can't take off and explore whenever I want, but that might not be a cause of the malaise. So there's something else. When I think about my old life I think about all the other stuff I did, like infinite number of activities. And it's not like I had any more time, but I did them. There were so many times when I was exhausted that I'd still drive to the beach and surf for an hour+. I vividly remember falling asleep on camino del mar waiting at a red light on my way to the beach. It didn't matter if I wanted to do these things beforehand, because, afterwards, I knew it would be time well spent. SOOO here we go:

The disappointment that I'm not too smart or too anything depressed me. That "depression" sucked the energy entirely out of me, which kinda killed any desire to do 'other things.' So without the myriad of activities that I had had last year made me feel trapped, which exacerbated the malaise. So that's my analysis: normalcy (as evidenced by normal grades)-->depressed mood-->loss of energy-->no variety in my life (just school and sleep and LOTS of eating)--->feeling trapped.

So shitty/normal grades are the cause of all this, interesting. And this is how one learns through writing (in case you were confused I just reached this conclusion as I wrote it)--the beauty of writing.

The answer: A variety of activities no matter what my desire level is, or what my grades are...Obviously surfing isn't going to be a daily possibility, but I'll be able to do some surfing next quarter. Some outside reading if AT ALL possible. Maybe one Sunday or something I'll just read a novel to feel the tiniest bit alive. RUN MY ASS OFF--literally. The gym, no. SWIMMING TOO. Just fucking explore more. Maybe be more active in french and french club. The key to happiness, for me at least, is to be engaged in many things. That way I’m not merely a student, or an employee (in future), because if I define myself in one way there’s no way I’ll be adjusted. I can’t extract much joy from one thing unless it’s contextualized with a variety of other things…I need variety. That need for variety definitely has some implications as I consider my next step.

NOTE:
The malaise I’ve discussed has nothing to do with my friends here. I’m glad I’m here and couldn’t imagine not being here. My weekends are greater, infinitely more fun than before. My weekdays are the problem.

dum dum dum only the lonely
2 questions???
What more could you ask for?
where have they all gone?