Thanksgiving is trickling away quickly. This week definitely had its high points. The past two fridays have been particularly interesting. But I remember last year as being so much better. That's probably because I was the lost son returning home. Yeah, that's definitely not the case anymore. It's quite the opposite now. Still a fun holiday, but I'm hoping Christmas is better. I have some plans, but I don't want to announce them. Ask if you want.

I'm having more of the so-called 'outer body' experiences lately. I haven't touched the face of God or been abducted by aliens or even seen everything in a new life. I wish. No, I've 'seen myself as others see me.' I leave my typical perception of social interaction and try to view myself from others' perspective. On this little field trip through everyone else's attitude towards me I realized that everyone thinks I'm annoying. This is a bit of an overstatement, but it's the most applicable term I could come up with. I don't blame anyone for thinking I'm annoying because I am annoying. I wish I weren't, trust me. But there's not much I can do about it. I'm going to try to amend whatever it is about me that makes me so annoying. Perhaps it's all this self loathing?

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Stop reading this and go eat something or hug someone! Doug, where are you?

What a loser, a big fat loser! You should make a right angle between your thumb and fore finger and then bring your hand up to your forehead.

Today in Art the prof was talking about the difference between the pursuit of money and the pursuit of happiness. As I debated, with myself but still out loud, a PhD v. a J.D. I realized what a punk I am. I'm a smart kid with decent prospects. The front of the baseball card may count now, but the back is far more important.

I guess confidence, lack there of, is sorta the root of my romantic problems. You damn people have said so for a long time and I have refused to believe you. But I now admit that you're right.

I feel like all of my good qualities are just 'pending approval'. My intelligence is still just relative to juco and uofi, so I could just be a grade-inflation wonder. My 'goodguyness', which often I don't believe myself, is still just hypothetical. The most anyone could say is, "I think you'd be a good boyfriend." That's because no one really knows. And that is, of course, because of my big fat lack of long term relationships. My wit and humor, well, everyone else may doubt that it exists put I know I'm very witty and humorous, so I'm pleased with that aspect of myself. But the intelligence and goodguyness are still hypothetical. Only time will tell.

I had totally forgotten about girls and womEn and relationships and all those depressing things, but now I can't avoid thinking about them. I don't know why. Hopefully it will go away again.

Getting a girlfriend should follow the same process that all other institutions follow. When you try to get a job, go to school, receive a grant you have to submit some sort of application, a mission statement of sorts, usually some samples of who you are and what you plan to do, and recommendations. If getting a girlfriend was like this I would be beating girls away with a stubby stick. In my mind I've got everything planned out, solid personal statement, several good 'bf' qualities I can write about and I can count on 6 solid recommendations. I'd be soooo in.

I think I may just write up my boyfriend resume and submit it to random girls just to see what happens.

I'm told that people read this site. That's sorta weird. I knew people read it early on, but that was months ago. I figured that the readership just trailed off as most things do. I still don't entirely believe that certain people read this, but it's a strange thought all the same.

We all know that what I say is rarely right and is rarely right. Nice of you to say it is but we all know its just a shallow compliment. Nice all the same.

I don't know how I'm going to react to this new information I have. The beauty of the blogging concept is the aspect of censorship. Now I'll probably worry about what I'm saying. Rather, I'll worry if I'm going to be judged by people who I like. I know that is retarded, but it's easy to forget that worry. I had been soooooooooooooo liberated in what I wrote. There was no recognition of social controls. I just bared my soul (LAME) for all (by all I mean no one) to read. It had been about me getting over myself and my idiotic assumptions.

quick list of matt's incorrect assumptions:
women hate me
people think im stupid bc i go to juco
going to discussion boards is smart
ill only be a 'friend' to girls, never a boyfriend
im doomed to be unhappy
im insecure
im confident
speaking in third person is cool
moving back was a mistake
people suck (oh that one's right)


I think I'll take a break for a while from the whole blogging gimmick. Hopefully I'll forget that people can still read this.