Yet another massive gap between posts.

Well I've been pretty off for the past 24 hours. I don't really know why, just that sorta blah feeling. It's probably related to 8th week, with impending doom of 9th week looming above.

I've been thinking about things that aren't so healthy, probably another cause of my ehh-ness.
Stuff like: girls, imagining everyone else content with their romantic or unromantic lives, the shock that will be this summer, girls, grades, what i'm going to do with those grades (post-grad plans), how i can't convince myself to workout, the FFuuucCKING PLAY MAN, where i'm going to live next year, girl(s), all this administrative stuff i've yet to deal with (fin aid, plane tickets, other summer logistics, next year's schedule), the wave.

Some of that stuff I need to just sit down and figure out so I don't have to worry about it in the future. Other stuff will just pass. Some stuff I have to push out of my mind.

I'm just unsettled for the moment... shit happens like that...but part of it is just that same old frustration with being 'matt' and all that entails. I

'm loved, sure, and I love that thats true. but it's in a specific way that, well, leaves me pretty unsatisfied in certain ways.* The evolution of my personality and my desires and my philosophies has led me to very modest goals that don't require tons of academic achievement. So that's left me without a lot of inspiration, which really makes this whole 'going to school' thing much more difficult. There's some other stuff that's not coming to mind.

*Yeah I know this theme is getting old. Trust me you've told me it's old several times, so many times that you saying that it gets old (pause for dramatic effect) is old. But yeah, stop reading if you like.

I have certain contradictions just like everybody else. I believe in nothing (no god, no good or evil, no free willk, nothing), but at the same time I try to act in certain ways following certain rules of decorum (opening doors, treat everyone respectfully and respectfully the same, return calls, giving of myself). Look at all those great qualities I gave myself...what lies!!! Relatively tough exterior hiding ridiculous sensativity to most everything. A fan of stability with a need to know that I can vagabond it at any point in time.

Disagree with those qualities if you want but I think they exist, at least sometimes. The tension between those qualities creates tons of angst. Not so much anymore but occasionally there are flair ups, hotflashes maybe.

I'm just trying to justify this angst and feel special. I was born into the top 1% and I should be really pleased.