I am so fucking frustrated!!!!!

I had a great chance to get a lot of free money. The duration of my college career could have been very inexpensive if I had managed to put together a decent video. But unfortunately I will be bathing in debt for the rest of my life as my video sucks. I WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME THE SCHOLARSHIP!!!!! I really have dedicated the last week of my life to this thing. I'm sure I could have given more time to it and done a better job, but I only have so much time. And I reached a point of frustration with the whole process where I couldn't really produce anything better. I guess I'm most disappointed that I tried my best and I know that my best isn't good enough. I'm also pissed about: 1)my MASSIVE debt, 2)inability to get the classes I want and need, 3)bathing in the quasi-failure of transfer-student status, 4)giving me a WHOLE NEW thing that makes me feel like a complete fucking FAILURE, 5)putting a huge dent into my ability to get into a good grad school.

Spring break, this video, school, the rain, it's all just sucked the happiness right out of me.


I put so much of myself into everything I do, this video, this damn blog, every class, almost every assignment, EVERY relationship, EVERY decision I EVER make. I put so much effort and emotion and thought into everything. I don't really know why I'm writing of this except that this is my fucking blog and I can write whatever the fuck I please. Maybe I'm writing all this because I don't feel like I get enough back for all my thoooouuugggghtttt. Being alive and living in San Diego are probably more than enough, but complaining is cathartic.

My futile pursuit of money is driving me insane. My idea for the video is very retarded and very lame. It just doesn't come off at all. It's not clever. It's so bad I can't low-ball expectations enough. All this negativity and I haven't even done the majority of the work video yet, amazing! I can't wait for it to be done so I can throw this monkey off my back, it's heavy.

Writing words that are intended to be spoken is very, very difficult. Prose is a joke, any monkey with a keyboard can write prose that is consumable. Spoken word is not prose, spoken word is verse. There are no paragraphs, but stanzas; no sentences, but lyrics. Every phrase must have weight. Everything must flow perfectly. Flow has never been my strongpoint. My limited writing abilities are confined to vocabulary and reason, two qualities that are not useful for verse-work. It's good practice I guess, but I am VERY tired of talking about how fantastic I am, I much prefer talking myself down.


HAPPY birthday michelle!


Writing, attempting to write, spoken word really gives me the urge to smoke.

video:

academic abilities

leadership

talents





unique personal qualities

lalalalalalalblahblablahblahahahahahahblahblalalalal

I need to escape suburbia.