I am losing the war with the lunatic in my head. I definitely win the occasional battle. This morning for instance, I felt great about everything while still keeping it all in perspective. But the general trend is undeniable--I'm losing to the lunatic. I used to be, years ago, a generally sane person with glimpses of insanity, I suppose I was normal then. Now it's the opposite. Sanity is only a brief joy for me. And the worst part is my epic periods of insanity, that can last weeks, are not nearly as fun as they were only months ago. Even insanity's lost its fun. It's a shame.

In a related thought:
This past week has made me feel more like a robot than ever before. I worked and ate and slept. My life has become so fucking mechanical I can't even stand the sight of myself because when I see my face I always realize that I'm not actually dreaming. I'm, most likely, an actual lifeform who has chose this for his existence. Just thinking about my life makes me want to jump out of my skin. I can't believe that life can be reduced to such a Sisyphean existence. I can't believe that I've allowed my life to get so Sisyphean. I am Sisyphus. I know I am more privileged than 99.9% of the world, but I have to ignore that for a moment.

For the first time ever my life has no redeeming qualities. My job is throwing books around for 9 hours a day getting paid a hair above minimum. I am so exhausted that I come home to sleep for hours. If I'm not lucky enough to sleep I just gaze open-mouthed and empty-minded at the tv, the fence outside my window, or desktop lacking of dialog boxes. Reading isn't really reading anymore; same is true of music. Everything I do seems like something to kill time in between shifts. And the craziest part is that I don't dislike my job at all. It's not great by any stretch, but it's decent enough, way better than Target. But for some reason I've allowed everything that makes my life worth living disappear. Surfing is just impossible. I'm soo tired when I get home and there just isn't enough sunlight left after work. And without the enjoyment of books and music my life is empty.

The worst part is that school won't provide any reprise from this most-recent depression. Mesa has no more value now since it's finished my task. I'll still go. I doubt I'll miss a single class. But the anxiety of thinking that my performance could affect my future is gone. The lure of a 4.0 is gone. And beyond all of that, now I will have no friends at school. Granted I only had one last year and one this past semester, but at least there was one. Everyone else complains tons about school, and many with reason. But at least their schools are filled with people to wave to or talk to or eat with. My school is a vaccum of friendship, at least for me. Every friend at juco has in some grand way fucked me over, probably not intentionally, and in so doing they've severely screwed me up. Not that I have tons of friends outside of school, and not that a fair share of them haven't fucked me up, I'm just saying that juco friends have a particularly horrific record. And about friends, I've never been the guy who has many. And when I do they're rarely close (never best), and even with the rare close friends there is always this oddness. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying, but there's something, or something missing, or some better description of why I'm so insecure with friendship and intimacy and everything else. My inability to make/sustain friendships is probably a key to this depression, this post, everything ever written on this blog, and probably why my life is often so unsatisfying. But I think I'll ignore that for a moment. Needless to say, school and friendship aren't going to bail me out of this current rut, a very deep rut. I've gotta step up and stop allowing my life to become so linear and Groundhogdayish. And I've got to solve this friendship thing too. And I've to start surfing. Gotta win that war with the lunatic while listening to non-dark side Pink Floyd.

**I know what you may be thinking:
1) God that was so much melodrama I need to get some fresh air so I won't vomit.
2) Dude, deal.
3) Just fucking surrender to the lunatic and pull the Ian Curtis (or whomever you identify with).

First two are very sound thoughts that I agree with. The third, though I can appreciate the thought since I would say the same thing if I just read this post, is perhaps slightly off.

DUDE, I'm freaking out. I'm on the edge of one of those 'hate the world' moments that last far longer than the typical moment. I feel myself getting angry over the smallest shit. It sucks. I already had a run-in with a door, and I won biotch, splintered wood and everything. Yeah hopefully no one notices the damage. I've been down on everything, especially myself, even more so than usual--insane, I know. God I need a surf, and a break from work, and I need to lose some weight and gain some muscle, a gf would be nice but a little more than I need. Oh you're kidding me.

I'm guessing today's political event had something to do with my current insanity.

..."For example, how do you feel about the word 'pussy'?" (poossy)
"I love it!"

OH yeah. Yeah lets go for a series of random thoughts.

New England seems like a cool place to live for a while, so does New York, so does all of Europe.

I have been convinced to spend some quality time in Eastern Europe. Weird, huh?

I want to start fishing again, particularly inshore and fly fishing.

I've been listening to some crazy shit lately (e.g. the books).

Best self versus true self. Ponder, discuss, comment.

I really need a new pair of shoes.

I like maps.

Ugh. What a very dull day. I wish I could've worked. The highlight of the day was my being 'im'ed by sadaf for the frist time, which was very cool.

I had all these raging thoughts a few hours ago, but they have all slowly leaked out of my mind. I saw Before Sunset a few nights ago, and it blew me away. I can relate to so many damn things about the Before series, which is incredibly ironic because I've never fallen in love with anyone, yet alone some awesomely beautiful french woman who sat next to me on the train. So I had many thoughts about Before Sunset running through my head. But I've tried to push these thoughts out of my mind given that they hurt so much. Anyway it's a great movie, and I would really appreciate meeting a nice french girl sitting next to me at the beach this spring.

Can't stand me now.












The lunatic is in my head.