I've got to say it because I profess myself to be a man of the truth. I am a pussy. Most definitely a pussy. You know that thing I said how my life is going to be the same, well, it definitely is. Becuase I pussed/punked/wussed out. My normal, everyday amout of self-loathing is reaching new heights. I cannot stand how much of a pussy I am, specifically at this moment. I had soooo many oppurtunities. The fact that I don't think I should be doing what I'm trying to do is a nonsequiter. Most great leaps in life are illogical. My dependence on logic can only take me so far. There are a myriad of situation, events and decisions in which logic plays no role. In fact, certain situations can be harmed if logic is applied. So I neeed to just pretend, for a moment at least, that 2+2 indeed equals 5 and hope that good things happen. For those of you who skipped to the end: I'm a pussy.

*I apologize to those among you who dislike the word 'pussy'

I was up four points to none against psycho slime only to allow my lead dissolve after psycho slime scored 6 consecutive points. That little sequence of binary code that manifests as a multi-colored semi-circle on my machine is the second half of my White Whale. The first half of my White Whale (that's moby dick to the unlearned amongst you) is the Green Room. If you think I'm talking about the preperation area on a television set I don't think we should be friends.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd 'a jumped from my tree
And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

Again I realize this is preemptive in so many ways. I also realize it's dramatic, but not much I can do about that. I know I feel differently now, but tomorrow at 1pm my life be exactly the same as it was 3 hours before.

***How about Kerik withdrawing his nomination for Homeland Security Sec? I found that particularly odd. Bush Whitehouse politics? Undisclosed scandel? Something far less/more interesting?

Just 5 now.

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Why I always the one making a masssssive deal out of nothing? There are people who don't do that. I aspire to become one of those people.
Oh 5.5 more days. It should be interesting

The Permanent Revolution is coming. It's coming so quickly, so fiercely, and in so many different ways. I can't even stand it.

There were regular 6ft sets at Pines today with occasional sets topping 8ft. An australian would say that is rippin mate. Unfortunately for me I can't go tomorrow. I honestly don't know what I'm more heartbroken about, that or the other thing.

And a good south wind sprung up behind;
The Albatross did follow,
And every day, for food or play,
Came to the mariner's hollo!

In mist or cloud, on mast or shroud,
It perched for vespers nine;
Whiles all the night, through fog-smoke white,
Glimmered the white moonshine."

`God save thee, ancient Mariner,
From the fiends that plague thee thus! -
Why look'st thou so?' -"With my crossbow
I shot the Albatross."

*Don't know why I posted it, but, yeah, it's Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

Do you remember when Oasis broke up and I thought the world was going to end because of it? Well, you don't remember because you didn't know me then. Perhaps you remember Oasis, but you definitely don't remember me in the mid 90s. That's too bad. It's been several years and still no one has saved me. What the fuck is up with that? I used to think that I didn't need saving, but that's just a lie. Maybe I could save myself, but I don't think I'm cut out for saving myself. I could maybe save someone else, but not myself. I'm too similar to myself, you know? I can save someone who is different than me; someone whose flaws comliment my own. Yeah I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm just going to continue typing though, because, maybe, I can avoid worrying about the 17 pages I have write in the next week. I'm going to continue typing because maybe I won't think about the six long months of ignorance I have to survive. Maybe if I keep typing I'll never have to think about anything again. Maybe I'll never have to suffer through awkward situations, maybe painful ones too. Maybe I'll never have to really ask a girl out. Maybe will just bump into me typing a decade from now and she won't mind the fact that all I do is type and maybe she'll like me and maybe I'll never have to actually live life because it's really getting on my nerves and the worst part is that I can't figure out WHY life is annoying me so much. It's supposed to be over. My mind is supposed to be clear. I went and did the thing and I still feel like I'm wearing an albatross, a big fucking albatross. Maybe if I keep typing this albatross will just fall off or fly away. Maybe the albatross is caused by the incessant typing or maybe they're caused be the same thing. Maybe I can blame all my problems on more poor spelling, grammar and syntax. Maybe I can blame it on my copious use of 'maybe'. Maybe I should just stop. Yeah that's what I'll do.