blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah. What a crazy couple of days. Not necessarily my life, I'm speaking of the world at large. 1) Shocking school terror attack in Russia. Imagine if that happened in the states! 2) Bush comes out of RNC with a TEN POINT BOUNCE. I'd go further in depth but I'd get that sensation to just scream at the top of my lungs while flexing every muscle in my body. 3) Assault weapons ban expires. I can't comment on this for similar reasons as the previous. 4) Three hurricanes in a month. I blame Mr.Bush.

My life has been far less suspenseful compared to the world's current events. I have my life boiled down to a flow chart: car-->mesa-->car-->home-->online-->car-->surf-->car-->home-->more online-->sleep. For non-school days it's even shorter. I wish I had some more excitement. Something to ruffle my feathers a bit.

I know this is horrible to say given that there are sooooo (o x 1000) many people whose lives are consumed by poverty/hunger/fear/pain/death, but I would really like to trade lives with many people. And not just famous men with many female-callers (e.g. Andre 3000). Most of the people I know have relatively exciting lives (relative to mine). I mean to say, if you take away surfing, my summer has been absolutely miserable, granted surfing has been ~70% of my summer, but that's only bc every other aspect sucked... I have no prospects. I have no exciting plans for the future. On a day to day basis I have nothing to look forward to. There is no possible way this will change in the next 12 months. And if a few things don't break my way it could be a lot longer than that.

So if you're floating around in the mood to trade lives I'm more than willing to trade you. God I was REALLY hoping to get past this 'oh god i hate my life, please tell me im a better person than i feel, please fill my need for attention, please bloat my ego, please say my life should be better' aspect of the blog. CLEARLY, I have not.

You know what's great...I'm sitting here complaining about how other people have great lives that they complain about.....................meanwhile there is someone reading this and shouting at their screen 'MATT YOU JACKASS, STOP COMPLAINING BITCH, YOUR LIFE IS FILLED WITH SURFING AND FREE TIME!!!!!!!!!!'

I admit to the person shouting that they have a good point, in fact, it's a great point. I have no response to it. They are 100% correct. But I'm going to continue as if they're wrong. Here's the list of reasons why I hate the world and the world hates me: 1) No girl in the history of time has looked at me and magically turned my flaws into 'cute imperfections'. 2) ...This may sound absurd but I truly believe it... No girl has ever liked me for any long period of time (over a month). 3) ...I may be paranoid but... People avoid me, a lot. 4) I've never been really good at one specific thing. 5) Each day at Mesa the more and more I regret my decision to move back to San Diego, even if do successfully transfer I think I'll still partly regret it. 6) No girl currently likes me. 7) I've come so close to giving up total hope of ever having a prospect that it's hard for me to be attracted to a real person. 8) No excitement in my life. 9) Nothing to look forward to in the next year. 10) Nothing to look forward to in my LIFETIME that other people don't think of as boring (e.g. if i do transfer next year I'll do my best to be really excited about starting at a real school again and all those good things. But, for everyone else going to school again will be no big deal. They will go off to their apartments and hang out with the friends they made as freshmen, sophmores. They will come to class as if it were work bc the grades they get now REALLY matter, and the classes they are taking are exponentially harder. I'll just be another 'transfer pest'.) 11) I'm not nearly as good at surfing as I ought to be given how hard I try and how much I practice.

...There's no way anyone read all of this and if you did I feel sorry for you. I also apologize for my melodrama.

As a transfer student UC admissions really want to know what your major is and what you plan to do with your degree stated in your application essays. I'll refrain from a diatribe into how this unfair treatment of the transfer population, and how it's fueling the stereotype that transfers are old an dumb. Anyway, this UC policy means I have to make relatively big decision in the coming months. I think I have firmly decided that I'm going to major in history. Rather, I've decided I'm going to apply as a history major. It is entirely possible that I will detour from history later down the line.

While its comforting knowing what my likely major is I still don't know what to do with that. I see several possibilities: 1) Education, you know PhD, 8 more years in school, writing dissertations, ta-ing for no pay for a decade, eveentually getting paid 100k to lecture for 6 hrs a week; 2) Law, 3 more years after my b.a, graduate around 25 yrs old, 8 yrs at firm working 50+hrs a week, 200k+ as a partner in early 30's, challenging and stressful; 3) politics, no definited path, lots of work, little pay, evil like lawyer without the money or security; 4) business (i still say 'bus in ess' to spell it) probably a lot of money, hours range widely, 2 yrs post ba, not as challenging as law, education, more productive than law, slightly less evil than law/politics; 5) journalism, no school, god-awful pay, even worse hours, something i love and hate with equal passion...

Well I guess I better just make something up for right now and worry about this shitty decision later... Act as if ye have faith and faith will be given

Today was a really nice day. I went to the beach for the 7th consecutive day (crazy, i know) and surfed for a little bit. And despite some of my least favorite topics there was plenty of good conversation too. Tomorrow's school. I should probably start doing my homework, catching up on reading, getting a job, and perhaps most importantly getting my applications together. goodnight.

I had thought my site was just slightly more self-indulgent than other similar blogs, but I realized that it's soooooo much more self-indulgent than any other blog I have read. I guess I'm just really caught up in myself. oh well. I also think I internalize all my emotions, and this is my only non-physical means of exercising that pent-up emotion. (Note: think about the number of times I have displayed noticable emotion around you. not that many, huh?)

So I have two problems so far: 1) thinking about not having a date; 2) being totally self-indulgent/egocentric/whatever. The first one I really think I can overcome. I mean my problem really isn't not having a gf. It's worrying about not having a gf. Sooooo, I stop worrying about it. How does one go about that??? Well I need something better to worry about. I guess I could worry about grades/thefuture/applications/job/death. However I have choosen something much better...surfing. This winter is going to bring very big waves here given the strange hurricane season. Big waves will make me a much better and stronger surfer. Also, big waves can sometimes scare the crap out of you. And there's no way I'll be worrying about girls if I could die with the next wave.

#2) is a lot stickier. My problem is that I need acceptance (maybe even praise) from most people I meet. MY GOD I'm like a dog. Anyway, to get past this I need to accept that most people 'dont care who other people are'. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to reach that. I'm guessing it will involve becoming more comfortable with myself and my life. I just need some time to reach that comfort level.

This post was probably very annoying to everyone. I'm sorry. But writing everything out really helped me process some things. so yeah

I went surfing this afternoon at a place called Secrets (I don't think its cool enough to be called Secrets so I have renamed it Del Mar Cove). Just as I was getting out of my car I was counting how many YEARS it's been since my last 'date' (God! I say annoying shit like that all the time, sorry). Needless to say I was not in the best place mentally/emotionally. The fact that I was about surf, my favorite thing in the world, really wasn't helping my disposition.

Just as I was realizing that I hadn't asked a girl out for about SIX years I walked over the hill at Del Mar Cove. Sitting below me was the big blue Ocean. It was just waiting for me. And the sun was shining so brilliantly that I couldn't look at it directly. (note: if there is a road to heaven it would definitely be that gleaming path that the sun makes on the ocean). I know no one else really cares about Del Mar Cove. And I know no one else thinks that climbing down the stairs towards the water is a beautiful experience. And I know no one else cares that I haven't had a real date in six years. But whatever.

I forget everything when I see the ocean. And that is fucking awesome.

I REALLY HATE reading anything I have written, particularly posts. It is very difficult to like writing when I get this ringing in my ears whenever I read my posts out loud. I wish I were kidding about the ringing in my ear, but I am, most definitely, not kidding. And it's not just when I hear what I've written. Basically any time I even think about anything I have done, felt, thought, wanted I get the ringing in my ears. I guess I don't like many aspects of who I am. What a shitty deal that is. But whatever. I try to get past it. I know fundamentally I'm a good person. No better or worse than anyone else. But as far as the some details go, I really dislike myself.

I should really get over that. It's probably not helping me in the confidence arena. But its really hard for me to care at this point. Even if I were 'confident' (which is impossible given that you can't just make yourself be more confident) nothing would change. Yes, I know my 'outlook' would change. Yes I know that if I'm happy with myself I'll be happy with my life. My response to that, "blahblahblahblahblah."

I suppose this is what it comes down to: I am oddly content with being unhappy with some things in my life, and I'm content being unhappy with some details about myself. I figure that at 18 it doesn't really matter how happy I am with my life. I think I'm well on my way to happiness in a matter of months. Furthermore, not being happy right now is motivating me to improve my life down the line. I know some will say that you should just enjoy the journey of life...and I agree with that horrible metaphor to a point. However, I feel that at this point in my 'journey' *stifles laugh* I'm sorta stuck. My bus has broken down or something for you metaphor wackos. So I'm just taking a break from happiness while I try my best to ensure happiness in life and confidence in myself later in life.

I woke up in a odd mood this morning for some reason. Odd meaning bad, I guess. My bad moods are usually at the worst when I'm not around anyone, which happens to be right after I wake up and just before I go to bed. I can usually pick out an event in the recent past that sparked my bad mood, but today I can't. I think it may be because of a dream I had. Have you ever had a dream where the dream version of yourself is stressed-out or angry and then you wake up stressed/angry? Well that's similar to this morning's bad mood.

All I can remember from my dream is that the word 'hot guy' was used a lot by some third party. I infer that I was not the 'hot guy'. I suppose not being a 'hot guy' offended me in my dream, and now its carried over. I guess it is VERY egocentric of me to wish for every 'hot guy' reference to be about me, and I wish I weren't so egocentrid, needy is a better word. But I am, so what can I do?

So if this dream is what's actually bothering me, then why was I thinking about 'hot guy' references anyway? As always, I have been fretting over 'why dont i have a gf?' (note: I can see you rolling your eyes and saying blahblahblah). WIthin the very large conundrum of 'why dont i have a gf?' I have focused on a more specific question 'why am I not the type of guy that girls fixate on?'

The answer to this is quite obvious, and if you don't realize it then you need some mental helpl. Well I'm pretty sure the 3 people that may read this site have stopped by now, so I see no need to continue. Long story short: I'm not a 'hot guy', I won't become a 'hot guy', so I guess I'll have to wait for all the 'hot guys' to die or get married before I can get a date...that's why I'm in this very weird/bad mood.

lalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalala

Yeah my plan has failed. Most definitely. All of my angst has just floated away into the atmosphere. And now the virtue of a blog has almost entirely disappeared. lalalalalalalalala. Anyway, I'm going to try and get a surf session in this afternoon because I won't be able to go monday.

Life will start getting very boring. My life will become a mix of reading art history and mesopotamian mythology. The water is getting colder everyday and soon surfing won't be an option. I guess that means I'll be sitting in front of my computer waiting for 'friends' to im me for hours on end. I doubt I'll be doing much im-ing myself because I have this overwhelming fear that people will find me needy and annoying if I do im them. Hopefully more later. Ahhh gotta hurry before the sun sets.

I really want to know what I'm going to do with my life.