Am I intimidating? I ask because it seems to be a common theme. Some people say I'm intimidating while the other half say I'm not intimidating at all. I personally think I'm somewhere in between. I think neither intimidating nor welcoming are correct adjectives. But I have had a bad career at rating myself in any capacity (especially in respect to rating myself relative to girls that would date me).

So I ask you, those who know me well and not at all, if I am intimdating. Your responses are appreciated.
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Even if I were intimidating would that matter? Don't girls like guys that are a challenge, sorta unapproachable? I'm not saying I'm either of those things, but, assuming I am, it could be a good thing. whatever, w h a t e v e r

I am never talking to anyone about music, ever. Nothing good comes of it.


On a happier and unrelated note...
There has to be some special circumstance when a 4.0 perfect student isn't accepted at UCLA as a transfer. California Community College students that are involved in TAP, have their IGETC certified, have completed all prequisites for their major, and have above a 3.5 GPA are practically guaranteed admission. --according to ucla admissions

It's the smiling on the package
It's the faces in the sand
It's the thought that moves you upward
Embracing you with two hands

Today was one of the better sessions in a while. The water was relatively glassy and the crowd wasn't too bad. Most of them had a vague idea of what to do. The waves were average (2-3), but they were super clean. Tons of lefts and rights. Not too much shoulder, but with the 8' it was really fun...that was a really esoteric passage...translation: today i went surfing; it was fun.




George W Bush blames most of soceity's ills, past and present, on the rebellion of the sixties.

*I've never participated in this posting verse non-sense (until now). Verse is annoying to read, particularly lyrics as they are not meant to be read. But here are some lyrics just because I can.

Looking out the door i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

**VERY dramatic. think HARD. OR just GOOGLE it...

***As I have known for a while and just proved to you (if you hadn't known) lrics are annoying to read. With that said, why is retail for a Bob Dylan lyric book 45 $$$$$$. Come on. I'd buy it if it were $10, which is about 15 times what it cost to make.

I know I complain a lot, perhaps even more so than most everyone else. I know it's annoying for most of you and you remain my friends despite my complaints. For that I thank you. But yesterday, for the first time in a while, I stopped complaining. My mind stopped swirling in between insecurity and negativity.

On my way home from Ramona, nearly 20 miles inland, I saw the ocean. It was so utterly perfect. I realize there aren't degrees of perfection; it's a binary thing. But if there were this moment would be the most perfect type of perfect. It was so perfect.

Well, I can't say anymore. Nature transcends language, especially when mere mortals like myself like to describe it. But it was perfect. If I am ever lucky enough to fall in love I imagine it will be something like looking at such a pefect ocean.

Why am I always the person that's being left behind and never the person leaving????

I left once. I went to UIowa. But my entire time in Iowa I was obsessed with what I left. I was rabid with my correspondences. Rabid I say. Why? Hell if I know. I think I was obsessed with what could of been if I had stayed home. The prospects of being in San Diego and the prospects of remaking my life in San Diego seemed too alluring. It was all very 'go west young man' sorta thing.

OF COURSE, in retrospect, THAT WAS A MASSIVE MISTAKE. Tomorrow I may think differently, but maybe not. At Iowa I had a life. I had good grades, good standing, some really loyal friends, and PROSPECTS (not necessarily the female variety, I'm speaking of prospects for life as a whole). I could of found a cheap apartment for Rupert and I. I could have gotten into some cool programs. I could of studied abroad easily. I could of found myself a nice, beautiful and smart young midwestern woman. I could of gone to pretty much ANY grad school ANYWHERE for ANYTHING I wanted. I would of graduated highly. I would of had a nice little internship in Chicago. I would have a nice core of friends, maybe a girlfriend. I could of moved back to San Diego, moved to Chicago, New York, moved to where-THEFUCK-ever I wanted. And I could of done what-THEFUCK-ever I wanted to do. I can just picture it. The image is so tantalizing--what could have been.

WHY THE FUCK DID I MOVE BACK????? Money, yeah. But the money would have been negligible. The weather, yeah. But that isn't that big of an issue; I love all weather. The school, yeah a lot of the school sucked and parts of my social life did too. But is all that really worth risking that little image of what Iowa for me? ...nope.

So what did I get in return for what I gave up: (good things) some good friendships that would have been lost, surfing (of course), some money, a UC(probably SD) education; (bad things) living at home, lost a lot more friendships than I gained, forced back into my family dramas, absolutely NO social life of any kind, NO female prospects, A LOT fewer career/life prospects.

As you can see I lost considerably more than I gained. At this very moment my head is reeling with how shitty my life is. I know I'm neglecting all the awesome and beautiful things too. But, ya know, it's one of those days, one of those days when you hate your life so much you just want to shout until you can't shout anymore.

In the future whenever there is a decision between two locations, between two possibilities, I am ALWAYS going to follow the more novel possibility. I really hate my past. I think the theme of my childhood was disappointment (for no other reason than I sucked at keeping friends). And I see no other reason to maintain the past in the future. I will always take the road less traveled. There is no down side. Even if I screw up there will be no one around to complain. Running away is always better than trying to adjust to the unadjustable (yeah I don't think it's a word either).




Why can't I be a positive person?

So here's even more self-loathing, angst-ridden, and downright confusing theory....just deal with it

I think it is fair to assume that I have given much to womenkind. The majority of my family are women. The majority of my friends, sadly enough, are women. I have an astounding number of so-called female friends (platonic friends that just so happen to be female). Indeed, it is stupefying that with all these female friends I have no female friends who agree to have sex with me! But, nay, that is another issue.

I'm not trying to sound like some great Robin Hood for women and their emotions. For no other reason than I could easily stop this platonic placation of emotion. However, I choose not to. Mostly because I enjoy the attention (as I'm an attention-whore). But I truly believe that I have given a lot to the female collective. The fact that I wasn't purely selfless is insignificant (as all actions are selfish). What is significant is that I give exponentially more to women than other men.

What have I received for what I give to womenkind???? The short answer is nothing. Of course I love and adore all my female friends. And I equally love and adore all the splendid conversations we share. However, for all this effort I have received nothing in the way of 'physical reinbursement'. Of course this is no one's fault but my own. I don't expect anyone to just have sex with me or become my girlfriend simply because I talk to girls. But, it seems reasonable to assume that all this time I've spent with women would pay off...

Eh yeah. thanks for responding.

Eh yeah. thanks for responding.

Eh yeah. thanks for responding.

Eh yeah. thanks for responding.