Note about previous post:
Alrighty. Last night I realized there are some problems with the 3 premises the lead to asexuality for me. They are perfectly valid in a world without mitigating circumstances and the like. However, we do not live in such a world. Obviously if my theorem were true only two people would be happy in love. The two most attractive, most perfect people could really love each other, because there wouldn't be any other person they would prefer. If you are to follow my logic all the way you'd have to assume that the second most perfect people wouldn't be happy with their mates because they'd desire the most perfect woman/man. And despite my unwavering loathing of love/marriage I have a hard time believing this.

Obviously there are more than two happy people in the world. And sometimes these 'happy in love' people have mates who are far uglier than they are. To be honest I can't explain this. My guess is that they were so unlucky in their quest for a mate that they had to settle for someone very low on 'the ladder'. And somehow, after settling so low, they lost all desire to move up the ladder.

That part, the not wanting to move up the ladder part, I don't think I, nor my potential lady-friend, will ever get past. I don't think I could settle for anything less than a woman who is 'super beautiful'. I don't want to explain this now but the short explanation is that they are most than just externally beautiful, blahblahblahblah. Anyway, so if I'm able to magically jump the ladder and grab a super beautiful woman (telling ya right now it ain't happenin) then I could be happy in love. However, this potential beautiful woman really wouldn't be happy. First of all she's super beautiful and she's not with whatever the male counterpart of that is. So she slid down the ladder. I'd say she's pissed. And woman always have a tendency to leave me in hopes of meeting a better guy. So I'm sure that process would start to wear on her. Eventually she wouldn't want to be with me.

So while my logic is flawed the conclusion is the same because I can't be with someone who is only with me because I'm the best she could get. This makes no sense but just trust me that asexuality is my only possibility. I drive kids to the beach, I play in card games, I give rides, that's about it. My use for any person ends at that. Because no person (woman, man, child, whatever) ever desires me for more than my simple utilitarian uses. And my functionality is pretty limited. Driving, some very minor house work, some auto repair. I run the world's errands and pay for things and I have to be content with that. Are you fucking kidding me? The end.

I feel the rest of 'menkind' catching up to me. I used to be all high and mighty about myself. I had always conceded that I'm not spectacular at anything, not attractive, and not novel in absolutely anyway. But I would reassure myself that I was still worthy of the love of a beautiful woman because of my 'good guy'ness. Well of course that is absolute crap.

To begin with I think it's hard to call me a 'good guy'. I see no reason to assume that's true. I'm condescending, sometimes just down right mean. I'm very pessimistic. I'm hateful, sometimes. And, most notably, I'm insensitive. And the only reason people may think I'm a good guy is because I have proclaimed myself to be. That self-assertion was made by a far stupider young man than the current model. I realize that the 'advantage' I had over the other guys never existed.

So what am I left with? Well, not much. I don't count on that good guy advantage anymore, as it never existed in the first place. So now how am I to compete with the guys like me who are attractive and are novel? There is no fucking way. I guess that leaves me with all the women that are incapable of getting the smarter, attractive, taller, more novel, more interesting, funnier, sexier, and wealthier guys. Well this bunch of women, though I'm sure they're great in their own right, is unsatisfactory. And they aren't satisfactory for a variety of reasons. To begin with, I have no time for 'women slighted by other men.' But far more important than that, I cannot, nay I will not allow myself to be some women's second choice. She may like me, she may even love me, but my ego is too bloated to accept a women that would rather be with someone else. This may be just an ego-trip, but imagine living with someone for decades when they would really prefer living with someone else. I cannot accept someone if I was just the best they could get. That would be fucking absurd. Unfortunately, this seems like my only option.

So I shall commence a lifetime of asexuality for there is no possible way I will ever love a women who only loves me as 'the best guy that would have her'. Fuck that shit. This probably seems waaaaay dramatic. But I don't fucking care. All I see is girls who won't like me or will only like me until some guy with an Italian Leather Sofa comes along. And I honestly believe asexuality is the only long-term option for me.

I am very logical so here is the breakdown:
Men exist who posses all the qualities I have, except they are smarter, smarter, funnier, more interesting, attractive, novel...
Obviously all women prefer these men...
I cannot accept a women who would prefer I be someone else...
The above is absolute fact. There is no way to contradict it. The only reasonable conclusion to make from these premises is that I must be asexual.

Italian Leather Sofa...'you know phones work both way'

I like how no one ever comments on the most interesting, the most 'please-comment' type posts. Perhaps that's because you realize you'll be feeding my insanity if you comment on those posts that are so desperately shouting for commentary. Well, yeah.

Sometimes I feel like there is a little version of me, le petit mattew. I'd say he's about 2.5 inches tall. He sorta reminds me of a Borrower, if you know what that is. Well poor little matt is trapped inside my skull. And the more I think, the faster he has to run around my head. Think of him sprinting in vertical circles, sorta like a hampster in one of those wheels. My heart aches for my little friend, always running around; he must be so tired. And it's all my fault. Honestly, I wish I could stop thinking just for him. I try, honest, but it's impossible. I mean listen to me... I think so much I've created this part borrower, part hampster character that runs around the inside of my skull. You guys may be insane in odd ways. But I still think you fall within one of those 'cute' (yuck) categories, like 'quirky'. I, on the other hand, have a mind so removed from healthy function that I map out every possible conversation I could ever have, just in case...I would call myself fucking zonkers (great word)!

I am Sisyphus. I am Sisyphus. I am Sisyphus whose eternal stone is my mind.

"I think so much it's dangerous." Yeah it's definitely true. I probably think too much about 'what's wrong with me.' blahblahblahblah.

Why is it that insecurity is slef-perpetuating. The minute you start recognizing your flaws you loose confidence. That lost confidence starts to wear at you. You start to shrug a lot, and become withdrawn. Soon enough you're depressed. Nooooww the dam breaks and any confidence you have is in danger. death

It's impossible for me to accept a world where guys who are more attractive and more novel than me can also be more interesting. Hmmm that's not quite what I want to say. Okay, all I have to offer people is my wit, humor, intelligence, and constancy (it's not much). If there are others who can offer everything I have (perhaps wittier, funnier, smarter, more constant) and still other good looks and novelty how could I possibly compete? It's not even a matter of competition. I concede that these people will have things that aren't even possibilities for me. But what if they use their advantage over me to take exactly what I wanted. Whaaaatttteeveerrr, this doesn't make sense. Try and forget you read this, I know I am.

I really need to get over myself. I have all these little assumptions about life and people and behavior and education that are entirely false. The worst part is that I act based on these false assumptions(why does assumption have a p in it??).

I've basically written off all people at juco, particularly mesa because it's so trade oriented. Of course not all people at mesa are stupid, drug-dealing, std ridden, idiots. I'm sure there is a large population of young people who are rather intelligence and make reasonable lifestyle choices. There's even a possibility that there's someone smarter than me crawling around mesa. Some mesa kids probably have great ambitions, and are doing their best to achieve them. Most importantly, there are probably tons of people whose idea of fun is not bacardi 151, mec weed, and maybe some ecstasy. There are probably tons of people who love the beach without being high, and many may go beaching regularly. And perhaps there are even some who understand the grand beauty of free fun (if you don't enjoy free fun youre not my friend).

So now that I've realized that there are these smart, ambitious, non-smoking, love-free fun type people I need to meet them. I know I give the impression that I just walk around with sunglasses and crossed arms. That's sometimes true, but I always try and make eye-contact and even say hi occasionally. And in class I'll talk to my neighbor on a somewhat frequent basis. As long as they don't look scary. So what am I supposed to do to make mesa friends?

I just read this thread that said the key at juco is to join clubs. Well when I get a job I don't really think I'll have time for that. It's also hard to justify paying to be in a club, which is the common practice at mesa. So I don't think that's an option for me. And I can't really think of anything else that would serve me well. I suppose I just need to be more open to giving people a chance. Though I really think I do that. I'm a very inclusive person. Not to be cocky but I think I am very good at conceptualizing what it's like to be in other people's positions. That's why I rarely get mad at people.

What I really need to get over is my 'holier than thou' attitude. I'm very condescending. And if you haven't noticed you probably haven't been paying attention. Eventhough I sometimes say hurtful, short-sided, selfish things I never mean them (the things I believe are far too mean to say out loud). But a part of me definitely thought I was better than other mesa students. And I think I have gotten over that, so hopefully now I'll allow myself more conversation with mesa kids...But I've looked hard throughout the entire campus and there is no girl of the type that likes me (i'll give you that description later). oh well. Hopefully, there's some person I'll talk to and they can give me rides to the beach.

If real women are anything like the 'Sex and the City' women I think I'll have to kill myself.

I just wrote a absurdly long explanation to why some people are likeable/unlikeable (could be likable/unlikable). I realized that I focused the entire post around how much I hate people. In between my misanthropy I try to answer this question, what intrinsic quality about me leads women to like me strictly platonically and never romantically?

blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah

"what is it about a person that makes them likeable? attractive and desirable? or uninteresting and unlikeable?"
--someone cool

Wellllll, I would tell you if had some time, but the sun is going down so I must scamper off to the beach. But I'll give you this hint: arbitrary qualities.

I love the ocean. I know I don't say it too often. Well, I don't really express my emotions about anything. So I suppose it would be really weird if I expressed my emotion about the ocean since I don't express any emotion, ever. Anyways, I love the ocean. And in a related story, I love surfing too.

Of the past 14 days I've gone surfing("") 12 times (yeah I know my life is a lot better than I would lead you to believe). And I really would like to think I've progressed a lot in just the past 2 weeks. I'd also like to think I've progressed a lot since I really started surfing in May. I don't know if I've gotten any better at all, it's hard to say since I don't have any reference to how bad I actually was. But certainly I can paddle faster, quicker, and that is at least a little something.

In my 'progress' over the past few months I have realized that learning how to surfing falls into the category of 'two steps forward, one step back'. I think for every hour I surf I get 2% smarter and 1% dumber in surfing knowledge. This aspect of surfing is what makes it so rewarding and so beeeeeaeeeeeaauuutiful! That's why improving at surfing, and just surfing, is so important to me. I don't want anyone to think that I think I'm a good surfer (that's awkward). I'm just saying I'm better than I was, and its beeeeeaaauuutiful...

Surfing is the closest I get to a 'religious experience', or at least what I imagine a religious experience is. The best days are when its on the smallish side but the waves are still really fun and 'punchy' (I invented 'punchy'. It doesn't have a real definition. Think of it as stong waves that don't present any peril to the surfer). And if that happens when there is no one around (say a tuesday) you can just lay on your board in between sets. I can't really describe what happnes when I lay out on my board, but its beautiful. So you should really try it.

I'd appreciate if someone would keep pushing me to get better... my goal is to remove the quotation marks from "surfer" by sometime next summer.

I go through a series of realizations. I don't really have any new realizations anymore. Basically, I just rotate within a string of realizations I've already had. Today I experienced my least enjoyable realization. That realization is as follows (it's discussed in Before Sunrise): In almost every situation when you are really passionate about a person, it could be love, hate, fear, frustration, or any combination of these emotions, they never reciprocate your passion. It's not just the indifference that bothers me. And it's not even disgust that they are so oblivious to how I feel. It's really disappointment in myself that I've allowed someone to infringe on my happiness.