In case you don't know, the Chargers lost. I have no thoughts of this that can be put into actual words. Most everything right now is a series of high-pitched yelps that can only be heard by dogs. And I think I may have just started an ulcer.

Everyone has called the 2004-5 Chargers' season a 'moral' victory. I'm not quite sure that means, but I know it's a fucking horrible term. Only a loser would say they 'won' in a 'moral' sense. But moral victories have definitely been the theme of my 2004. I always seemed to come in second place in poker tournaments--moral victory. I got my first b in college, but it came in calc2, so yet another moral victory. There was a brief point in time when I was at the height of my existence, running, surfing, reading, opening to new music, working, studying all on a nearly-daily basis; however, this time period lasted a mere 8 weeks--moral victory #3. I have a more refined taste thanks to my female influences, but it has not led me to 'the holy land' as promised--more moral victory. Finally the biggest moral victory of them all.

For pretty much the first time in my 19 years, I put myself out there. I made myself entirely vunerable to a woman when I had no idea how she would respond. I conquered, perhaps for only a moment, my tremendous insecurity. And in that same moment I shed this superiority thing that I also have going. For the previous decade I had been constant wavering between either an over-powering superiority complex or a debiltating inferiority complex. And for this magical instant I busted out of it. I was free of these complexes I had forced myself into. It was most definitely a beautiful and liberating moment. But it was all for nought--I failed. My attempts at letting someone join me in my new found sense of self were denied. I had succeed in getting over myself, both my inferiority and superiority, but I failed miserably at achieving the ultimate goal--the final, and the saddest, moral victory.

I offer this one reprieve to 2004--the year of moral victory and absolute defeat. If a year can be so utterly dominated by this theme of moral victory than it is entirely possible 2005 will be utterly dominated by absolute victory. Sure, the theme could easily be absolute defeat too, but we're going to ignore that. 2004 was not alone in being pockmarked by painful moral victories. It has been a theme for several years, and I think its about time for some change. So I have no concrete resolutions for 2005, and i do realize it's late to start any, but I'm moving that 2005 will feature several absolute victories for you, you're loved ones, pretty much any person you like, and, hey, I'd like an absolute victory too.

I didn't realize this was necessary but apparently I need to 'prove' that I am a man, or at least that I will become one with any sort of surgery. There have been several accusations passed my way (some strangely serious, others not) that I am a woman, emasulate, gay or--in some severe way--effeminate. The first few of these comments were easy to brush off, but now it is becoming epedemic. I need to purge my thoughts right now so I can have some sort of Doctrine of Personal Masculinity for future outbreaks of these accusations.

The nature of my so-called 'womaness' is really disturbing to me. These accusations have been coming from close friends and people who know me very well. They don't refer to me as effeminate in the typical sense. That is to say, no one has been saying I'm a woman in the same sense they would with Rufus Wainright or some guy with a high voice. I infer that my accusers claim I have womanly emotions/thoughts/frustrations/angst/I-dont-know-what-else-but-theres-probably-something-else-that-these-fucks-consider-effeminate-about-me-that-I-can't-think-of. So I'm guessing that I'm not a physical or sexual girly-man, it's that my something about me mentally or emotionally is ridiculously feminine to my accusers. I'll get back to this but first allow me to rant a bit.

If what I do, think and feel is too fucking womanly for you what exactly would you consider manly??? Would I be more of a man if I went out every night and staggered around mumbling Jet lyrics, smelling of cheap booze and cheaper women? If I constantly pointed out every girl with a nice ass or big tits would I then be a man? Am I not manly because I don't openly refer to my dick as a person or talk about how long it is? Do real men ignore you and treat you horribly because its fun and ultimately gets them what they want, which is, by the way, to fuck you, not to love you? Would you prefer I be the guy at the party who is talking to every girl so that some girl will give me a chance to rape her? Would I be a real man if my only emotional outlet was when I beat my wife and childern until they can't scream anymore? So, again, what is it that would make me an actual man for you? Back to the issue at hand.

I suppose if these people are accusing me of being emotionally-aware then I can't deny their claim. There is no doubt that I think about everything, and 'everything' just so happens to encompass all feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas and, most of all, angst. But I don't at all see this as a effeminate quality. It is true that more women are cognizant of their emotions. It is also true that more men drive then do women. Does that mean that it is manly for a woman to drive? Of couse not. And I must say shouldn't it be seen as a strength, or at least an improvement, that I'm not just some ignorant fool whose emotions only extend to his favorite porn star and sports team (by the way, I have strong emotions about both those things, but also many others). I'll be the first to admit that I take this thinking thing to an unnatural, unhealthy extreme. But how the fuck does that make me feminine?

Here's the deal. I LOVE women, sports, surfing, fishing, cars, good heavy rock, Esquire magazine, and even good alcohol too. BUT I also happen have a certain meta-awareness. My masculinity is not at all affected by this. There is nothing particularly masculine about drinking Busch and reading Maxim, I can do that too. But because I don't do that doesn't mean I'm a woman. The only critique I have about my masculinity is that I get frustrated too easily and that perhaps I expose too much of the aforementioned meta-awareness. But I'm working on both of those, and by no means do my shortcomings with those issues mean I'm womanly. I've read as much Hemingway as you have and though I'm by no means Robert Jordan I do try my best. I'm not saying I follow the Hemingway code, but I come a lot closer than most guys do who drink Busch beer and 'read' Maxim. And if I were ever in one of those Hemingway-situations I know I'd perform to par with Robert Jordan or Frederic Henry. I've got some serious issues with myself but I am graceful under pressure and definitely not cowardly. I don't see myself as some beacon of honor or heroism, but I do my best to be a stand-up guy. So there's my mini-thesis on that.

In the previous post I remarked that I need a mentor of sorts. Someone to give me a more experienced perspective and help me define what I'm supposed to be in the intellectual and professional world. Today I added another person.

I need a wealthy, slightly older, very attractive woman to fall in love with me. She will be a very important aspect of my maturation. Her primary function will be to help me shed this over-powering self-loathing and self-consciousness. This constant self-doubt of my decisions, attitudes, attractiveness, intelligence, creativity, ability, taste, and basically everything else is REALLY getting old. I've tried to stop it by myself, but I have been very unsuccessful. So I need a woman (rich, old and *cough* more experienced) to show me the way towards self-affirmation and confidence. While she is doing this she'll also prepare me for future relationships by showing me the ropes so to say. And, ultimately, she'll break my heart (for reasons behind this read Esquire's 100 things to do before you die). This will definitely prepare me for the woman I've yet to meet in my life. Second to this romantic advisory role she will also help bank roll some of my plans. I mean there are a few things I like to do and someone has to pay for them. I've got to pay for my tuition and books and whatnot, so I don't really have the money to pay for it myself. So this woman will have to bank roll some of my trips and constant purchasing of cds. That is the plan at least.

Howard Zinn was on The Daily Show tonight. It was beautiful. There are a few of Zinn's ideas and conjections that I disagree with, but they are very rare. These differences in opinion simply prove how insignificant my mind is relative to genius. And Zinn is most definitely a genius. And not your everyday genius. Not one of those people very smart or innovative, but not genius. No, no my friend, Howard Zinn is a real, honest-to-goodness genius! Pretty much by himself, Zinn changed the historical process and the methodology of EVERY social science and humanity. He was really the first thinker to realize that history isn't merely told through the body counts, elections, and old articles. The people--the real people, the proletarians, the middle-class, the disenfranchised--of a particular time period are just as significant as presidents. For instance, someone looking at the results of the past presidential election could easily interpret that the America of 2004 was a resolute one. That is certainly not the case. Anyway, no one cares about this but me, and I have no point, and even if I did I couldn't make that point because I'm writing in awkward circles. Yeah Zinn is great. I need some sort of mentor like Zinn.

I really don't understand dog shows. They seem to depend on some sort of standards for a given breed. The closer a dog is to its breed's standard the 'better' it is. This part is fine--the premise a bit retarded, sure--but still logical. My problem is that the dogs in the same breed would almost always have the same rank (or very similar) according to this idea of closer to the standard. Lets say there is a collie show twice a year. Assuming the same dogs show up to these two shows shouldn't the results be almost exactly the same. These dogs didn't really change. They didn't get close to or further away from the standard. The standard most certainly didn't change. So my question is where the actual competition? Where's the anxiety, the anticipation, the angst (oh I love the angst)??

The problems with dog shows really abound from there. For instance, doesn't the best in show competition suffer from the same problems as the inter-breed competitions that were described earlier? Aren't these dogs somewhat immutable (at least for their show years)? So shouldn't most, if not every, dog stay at the same quality, or distance from the standard? I'm sure the judging has a lot to do with interpretations of the dogs and the standards. But is that actually entertaining to people? Would you care what some old white guy who has no other hobbies thinks about dogs? The whimsy of that kills it for me? My dad described the central principle of dog shows as the 'two face' principle. He mentioned that sometimes you see a girl and she looks beautiful, other times--not so much. He says this idea extrapolated out is the what's behind dog shows. According to him dog shows are a presentation contest. Which dog is trimmed the best, stand the best, shit like that. I'm sure this is a part of dog shows, but I refuse to believe that it is the essential idea behind dog shows. That's just too weak for me, too lame. That's not competition, not excity, doesn't create any of those a-words described above, does it??? So I struggle for answers.

* * * * *

There is a documentary on the latest tsumani and a little history and physics behind tsunamis on Discovery Channel. I strongly suggest you try and watch it. 155,000 people dead right now, and I just wrote a mile of words about dog shows. 155,000 is almost 55 September 11s. I don't have the words. No one has words for it I guess.

I want to do things. My life is composed of working, reading, music, more working, more music, and some surfing. Great things, definitely great things, but it needs to be more. I want to be a person that does enough things to have some scope. When I transfer I suppose I'll do these things. My life has been dominated by 'when i transfer' for 2 yrs. When I transfer. That phrase kills me. Ah I would like to do things.

16 hrs down, 24-16 hrs to go (I haven't decided if I'm going to work on friday). Save me.

Work is painful. At the end of the day my fingers really hurt and my arms feel like they skim the floor. It's amazing how the constant thought running around my head is 'don't drop a box on your fingertips, dont do it matt!', but then I drop a box on my fingertips. It's not like I drop boxes from several inches high; most of the time I just forget to move my hand from underneath a box when I'm shifting it. The point is that smashing your fingertips on 50 lb boxes in painful (not bed of needles painful, but still painful). 8 hrs done this week, 32 to go.
**********
After working for only a month now I realize I won't be able to be a lawyer. The average big-firm lawyer works 55hrs a week, 50 weeks a year. The pay will start around 150k and ascend to perhaps 500k within a decade, but it is unlikely that the hours will ever decrease (perhaps to 45 on the low-side). Of course I know that there is a great difference between 40hrs as a laywer and 40hrs as a laborer. But in reality they aren't too different. At the end of the day you're going to be tired, and with either you lose some (actually a lot) of your joi de vivre that propels you through everday. So other career options must be assessed.
**********
Everyone seems to be leaving. Well only a few people, but most of the notable ones are leaving. It amazes me that I have exactly a month before school starts again. I have a month to do absolutely nothing. I'll probably work 40hrs a week and just see how long I can go before I die. Thanks for all the great shirts and books and things; I love them all. Now I need to buy myself some pants and shoes and music since everyone failed to do that. But I've got a little money now so I can do that.
**********
So the quest to be SUCCESSFULLY requited begins afresh in a month. I suppose it could happen before then but that seems nearly impossible. I have a month to buy some pants and figure how to shave. That shouldn't be too hard. There probably won't be any prospects. In fact, it's foolish to even hope, but hoping is all I got some I'm going to hold on to that one for a while.
**********
I think working makes me gain weight. Despite constantly lifting and whatnot I don't really do anything that's going to burn calories or anything like that. And I come home and eat TONS of food, because I haven't really eaten all day. So I think I'm fattening up, but whatever. When it warms up and I start working less I will run/surf a lot more. Other people say that and don't mean it but I think I'll actually execute. So here's the game plan. Work for at least three more weeks on this schedule, and then start to run/surf/maybesomeliftingorcrunches.

I'll be awake in 11 hrs.